This topic is a very personal one for me and I spent extra time educating myself so that I could not only share my personal experience but also provide a bit more factual knowledge. Not only have I always been fascinated with transcultural and transracial parenting, but I honestly believe that families wherein two parents from different backgrounds, cultures or religions can lovingly raise their children, are just the most beautiful and powerful picture. It may also be because the country that I have grown up in, South Africa, has seen so much hate across cultures and races, which continues sadly in this present day and age.
There are a few different parenting labels in and around this topic. I'd like to explain these briefly so that we don’t cause any confusion.
TransCULTURAL parenting describes two parents from different places of origin raising a child together.
TransRACIAL parenting refers to raising a child of a different race or ethnic background to that of your own. For example, adoptive or foster parents.
Then there are also THIRD-CULTURE kids, children raised in a country different to that of either of their parents. Biological or adoptive.
Todays post focuses specifically on Transcultural parenting and the intercultural family.
My family is exactly this. I am a South African woman, who met a Nigerian man, and had a beautiful baby boy!
The above extract is from a very interesting study I came across that goes quite deep into the psychology of Transcultural Parenting. The writer summed it up quite nicely in these 5 strategies that parents of different cultures will naturally choose between to raise their child.
1.Avoid cultural confrontation. This weakens ties with both cultures and can leave the child with “parental & cultural vacuums”.
2.One partner is responsible for all decisions regarding cultural inclusion.
3.Compartmentalise and each partner assumes responsibility for different aspects.
4.Complimentary adjustment. When the views on parental roles and child bearing are similar, so not much compromise is needed.
5.Additive adjustment. Taking desirable qualities from each culture to raise your child together. Ie. a blending of cultures to make new patterns and/or traditions.
In our family we have definitely adopted the 5th method of Cultural socialisation. WHOOOOOH, Mommy Tayo with the BIG WORDS today!!! I’m honestly learning so much and as I said before this is a discussion that I am passionate about because it is part of our everyday life. The way we do things has come about through many conversations, from the day we found out I was pregnant. We realised that there were so many things that were very different between my South African culture and Daddy Tayo’s Nigerian culture, and we quickly started figuring out how we were going to navigate those differences. You see, your family identity comes from 2 places: Your origin/ heritage as an individual and through marriage or children.
Cultural socialization refers to the manner by which parents address ethnic and racial issues within the family, specifically, the ways parents communicate or transmit cultural values, beliefs, customs, and behaviors to the child and the extent to which the child internalizes these messages, adopts the cultural norms and expectations, and acquires the skills to become a competent and functional member of a racially diverse society - R.M.Lee
In a different study on cultural variation in parenting style, it was found that culture had a significant influence on several aspects of parenting style, including methods of discipline, expectations of child behaviour, demonstration of affection, and roles of the parents. It was noted that the parental role was a primary source of conflict for couples, particularly those with divergent styles of parenting (i.e., authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved).
(To read more information on the different styles of parenting click here.)
Daddy Tayo and myself do things differently in every area of the above mentioned aspects of parenting styles. I cannot explain though how many times we've had to sit down and discuss where and why we maybe aren’t seeing eye to eye. Asking questions I've realised is also a big thing! I stopped censoring my questions in worry that they would be offensive. But at the end of the day I need to know how he would handle certain situations so that I know how WE will handle certain situations. If ever there's a doubt, we talk.
Demonstration of affection couldn’t be any more opposite in our cultures! Majority of the Nigerian people cannot comfortably say to their family members “I Love you”.
That blew my mind when I first heard it!
But if you had to see Tayo and his Dad together now, you'd never guess. Their relationship melts me its just so precious!
Putting the styes of parenting aside, because those are very much governed by cultural ‘norms’, I’d like to share with you some of the challenges we specifically face in our transcultural family, currently living in South Africa. Things like racial identity for our child/ren, staying connected with extended family, languages, traditions, religion, prejudice, male vs female roles in the household. These are all heavily weighted challenges that I feel as a mother I need to get right, for the sake of my child/ren (Incase anyone is wondering, I’m just referring to possible future additions to the family).
Racial identity is sadly a big question mark for Tayo and he has already been earthisde for almost a whole year! The authorities here may officially label his race as “other” when the time comes as he certainly doesn't fit into the box of the race of his mother OR father. And this, for me, is where a good foundation of both cultures is so important as he grows up.
He is South African just as much as he is Nigerian, and visa versa. Although he may not live in Nigeria, it's part of who he is, where he comes from and what makes him Tayo. His name actually means “Worth Joy” in his Fathers tribal language, Yoruba. Unfortunately though, growing up in South Africa, I know he will have his identity questioned because it is fact that there are still so many of us that are insensitive to racial issues. My hope is that we will be able to raise him so that he won't look at it as not fitting into either culture, but that he will feel he got the best of both.
That he is a South African-Nigerian man who has the privilege of being part of two amazingly divergent communities.
Staying connected with extended family is tricky to navigate because Daddy Tayo's whole family is in Nigeria. Whereas my family is currently a 10 minute drive from us...
It saddens me that he won’t grow up knowing his Nigerian family as well as he does his South African family, but this is our current reality. I am extremely grateful however that we can video call them and involve them where we can in Tayo’s life. We also have put high priority on flying to Nigeria to meet them in person and for Tayo and myself to experience the culture firsthand. This has obviously been put on hold for now due to COVID and certain travel restrictions. But we are so excited for the trip you have no idea!!!
Tayo will of course have English as his home language, as is the official language of Nigeria. But we would like to also help him learn some Yoruba, which is his and his dad’s tribal language. We found a fantastic kids channel on YouTube that will help me and Tayo learn the language - I’m hoping! But he loves the afrobeats they add to the educational stuff and he bounces along, its the cutest thing! Actually I'm pretty certain that Afrobeats is already his chosen genre of music.
Traditions we are still learning a lot about. But certain celebrations, like a naming ceremony after a child is born, we have adapted into our family as it is an important part of Nigerian culture. Just like Sunday being a family day is a typical South African tradition and value, which I grew up having a lot of respect for. Why I say we are still learning in this area is because there are still things that we are communicating about to adapt and navigate what we see our family culture being. It’s not that one conversation whacks it all out of the way. If inly!!! No. You learn and grow as you go because you are essentially combining two whole lifetimes of doing things in completely different ways and figuring out what works for you now.
Religion is another big one and a still also a question mark in the "how will we handle when Tayo asks about… (insert challenging toddler question)”. Daddy Tayo agreed to let me raise Tayo in the same Christian Church and values that I was raised in. We both agree that Religion brings structure and with structure children feel safe. I believe Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Saviour, I know he is the son of God and I trust that His angels and Holy Spirit guide me through each day. But I will never impose those beliefs onto Daddy Tayo. He follows the Muslim faith. Just like he has never expected or forced me to change my beliefs. Daddy Tayo’s mother was actually Christian and his father was Muslim. As kids they were never forced into one religion or the other, they were given the freedom to choose. Although thats not quite the same path we’ve taken with Tayo, there will still come a day that he may come to me and decide he wants something different. All I can do as his mother is guide him lovingly in what I know while he is young and pray that he will make the right decisions as he continues to grow (Proverbs 22:6).
We both know there will be so many questions once he is able to ask them, but we will cross that bridge when we get to it. Many may not agree with the way we as his parents have decided to tackle Religion, but you know what... it’s not their child and it’s not their family.
I don’t need to defend my decisions when it comes to how I raise my son.
Prejudice is a BIG thing and I am very cautious as to how to approach this topic in this conversation. Purely because I want to be respectful. Honestly, I'm still not used to it, I’m still not completely clued up on it and I'll probably be learning for years and years to come. But I’m learning ever day!
Prejudice is defined as an "assumption or opinion about someone simply based on them belonging to a certain group”. In our case it is racial prejudice that our family faces as well as cultural prejudice. Growing up as a privileged white female in South Africa I remember Nigerians not having a very good reputation. I assume due to some immigrants making bad choices out of desperation for a better life. I will admit that I had a negative mindset about Nigeria and it’s people, and it is deeply upsetting thinking back now after having met so many amazing Nigerian people! They are a kind, generous, friendly, joyous nation that, despite major setbacks, still celebrate life and live it to the fullest. Lets talk a bit about the racial prejudice. 90% (my fabricated statistic) of the prejudice from white people that have so many negative and hurtful opinions about people of colour. I notice the side eyes when we go out in public, or when we are walking in the mall. And I appreciate the smiles and friendly greetings that show underlying support and inclusion. Having to explain to my child/ren one day why people may judge them according to the colour of their skin is not something I have any kind of personal experience on. Nor could I even pretend to know what that is like! But because I love them I will make it my mission to keep learning and trying to be better. This is how I can be part of the change as well for the world that my kids’ kids will be growing up in.
When it comes to the roles of a man and woman, you obviously get full on traditional ‘women must cook, clean and be a mother’ and ‘men must work & provide’ OR you get the slightly adapted and modernised version. Now the tricky part when it comes to gender roles is that with Nigeria being quite a traditional country still, a lot of Nigerian men expect their woman to take care of most (if not all) of the house and family responsibilities. That doesn't mean they don’t appreciate their woman or don't treat them well. All I’m saying is that traditionally, in the Nigerian culture, this is the norm. (Side note: Nigerian men are actually notorious for really taking care of their woman. Get you a Nigerian man!). This expected gender role has of course adapted and changed with newer generations and as women have now started educating themselves and standing up for their rights to more equality, the household responsibilities and expectations have shifted. In my relationship with Daddy Tayo the outdated mindset of 'traditional gender roles' is something we had to navigate. I am not the type of woman to just do what I'm told and never complain! Shame, he hasn't had it easy. I want Tayo to have his dad there at bedtimes, helping with nappy changes, feeding him some of his meals, making time for interactive play. Because that is what creates an incredible bond between a child and his/her parents. Time spent! And I believe with everything in me it contributes to raising an emotionally healthy human being.
If a father is just illusive and goes out to make money in the morning and comes home and goes to bed at night, how will his child ever know him and trust him??? This give and take with gender roles requires CONSTANT communication and sometimes even having the same conversation 5 times over before you both understand the others’ point of view and are able to move forward.
I highly recommend that you watch the Ted Talk linked below by Wendy Williams. It is titled 'The Globalisation of Love'. She refers to multicultural relationships as GloLo couples/ relationships, which I just think is so cute! It's Global Love, shortened.
Did you know that in Korea the amount of multicultural marriages sits at 10% of all new marriages and in The United States, 15%. There are certain hotspots worldwide that have multicultural marriages account for up to 30% of new marriages and worldwide between 3% and 10% of all marriages are considered multicultural. Unfortunately I couldn’t find reliable numbers for South Africa, so if you have any more info PLEASE PLEASE comment below & let us all know!
I'm going to end off this post with a very impactful quote from the above mentioned Ted Talk:
“It starts at the ‘GloLo’ breakfast table. Children learn from their parents that differences can co exist. Different colours, different religions, different languages, different cultures, together. And ultimately this weaves the foundation for a world that is connected by families, whose separate histories become one family history. Whose unique values and traditions are shared. Whose colours blend and whose sphere of personal interest, it broadens. So that people can start to understand that things that happen over there, things you hear about on the news, those things are relevant t people over here. When people are connected globally, people from everywhere fall n love with people from everywhere else. (We) have the collective power, and dare I say responsibility, to help make Globalisation work. It’s though understanding and tolerance of cultural differences. Through seeing the people behind the national & cultural labels that we give each other and it’s through recognising and fundamentally understanding that we are all more alike than what we are different.”
- The Globalisation of Love by Wendy Williams
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More momsplaining next week…
Important note: I am not a professional in any of the topics discussed on this blog. The topics above are purely opinions based on my own real life experiences.
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