So, jokes on you, because this is not at all about pleasures! Haha, more like pains (in the ass). The word "pleasures" was used with complete sarcasm. After all, I am here to deliver the real life struggles around having babies. Nothing scary, just the truth that most women are faced with...
Bladder control = ZERO. You can imagine that this gets really entertaining at times. Other times it's just annoying. Mostly because a lot of women deal with it from earlier on in pregnancy. As far as I know it's a side effect of natural birth, for you to quite literally leak urine after birth. For some reason women have been made to feel embarrassed about it. But in reality SO MANY of us worldwide have experienced it. It's so normal! I remember lying on the delivery bed while Tayo's daddy had his turn to hold him. I felt a warm gush and suddenly thought "Oh geez, have I just peed myself?!?!" I genuinely wasn't sure. Had to ask the nurse. Coughing, sneezing... jinne just talking too loud might spring a leak. Your muscles are so exhausted they basically take a vacation after childbirth.
Another fun side effect of this muscle relaxation is vaginal bleeding. All day, every day.
Bleeding to the point where you might start to wonder whether your body has any left to function normally. This was a constant for me for a good 4 weeks after childbirth. I had a natural birth with Tayo but I am told that it is the same for C-Sec mammas. A friend of mine even struggled with the bleeding for a solid 8 weeks! What a rockstar.
A piece of advice, stock up on Cariwell maternity pads. They feel like literal long boards between your legs, but its the only thing that will work. Also, don't even waste your money on the cute high waisted granny panties at Woolies thinking you'll take a cute post birth pic for the gram, because you will not use them. Disposable underwear is the only way. Just trust me on this.
This brings us to leaking breastmilk. All you need is for that child to "eh" or 'ah' and suddenly its like the flood gates have opened. I was big on wearing breast pads until my milk regulated quite nicely when Tayo was about 4 months old. At first I used the disposable ones because they had the best absorbtion and thereafter the reusable ones, which just caught the excess if Tayo decided to sleep a bit longer etc. Your breasts genuinely do get confused at times and produce more than what is needed, hence the leaking. While your body is trying to keep up with your child's feeding times your supply is constantly changing according to what baby needs. Admittedly I never leaked through a shirt or had any other embarrassing moments in public, thank goodness!
What I did have though was a whole lot of chest-ne.
'Chestne' (noun, pathology). A word created by me for acne of the chest.
This is something that has not yet completely gone away almost 8 months later. But wow, I was shocked by how bad my skin on my chest got postpartum. Not to mention babies love to claw at your skin when they are still tiny so that didn't help the situation. I think I actually used my face wash on my chest at one point! Just hoping it would make it look a little better. Luckily I've found a face mask that helps now but be prepared, ladies. I assume this also has to do with the sky high hormones surging through your body.
Another fun side effect of said hormonal spike is the swelling. Your c-ankles won't just disappear postpartum. And unfortunately no amount of massaging or water intake will change that. You may look down for an extra week or so, after having given birth and notice that, due to the sky high progesterone in your body, it is still retaining loads of water.
I remember having the same reaction as this poor woman (see gif) when I got home with my 4 day old baby and realised I still had sausages for legs. The word disappointment doesn't begin to cover it.
This last little gem gave me nightmarish flashbacks to the delivery room. We'll call them after pains, because I'm really not sure what the medical term is.
These pains literally felt like a much milder version of my labour contractions. I say milder because labour is no joke! But I imagine they could feel like period pains for some women.
Please picture me rocking a tiny human to sleep for the 6th time since 8am that morning, trying to gently lay him into his crib without waking him, and suddenly - LIGHTENING CROTCH!!!
Can you imagine trying to hold yourself together, severely overtired, in that situation?
Lightning crotch (for those of you who have not yet had the pleasure) is an excruciating, unexpected, very sharp pain that shoots through your pelvic area. Sometimes it stays in and around your lower abdomen. Other times it decides to add your entire pelvic girdle and rear end to the party. It can happen at any time, triggered by nothing in particular that you are doing.
Apparently it can last up to 8 months postpartum and it happens for the same reason after birth as it is does during your pregnancy. Increased blood supply to your pelvis. Usually it does subside 6 weeks postpartum, but I've realised you can count yourself one of the lucky ones if you only got 6 weeks.
The relaxin hormone is also to blame for postpartum lightning crotch. “This hormone causes the joints, ligaments, and tendons throughout the body to relax, hence the name relaxin,” Abdur-Rahman explains. “The joints, ligaments, and tendons need to relax so that the pelvis can become pliable and can easily expand to accommodate the enlarging baby and then the baby as he or she moves through the birth canal. The ligaments that anchor the uterus to the bones in the pelvis (i.e., the round ligaments) also attach the uterus to the vagina. These ligaments, like all of the body's ligaments, become lax during pregnancy.” And with all this growing and shrinking going on, it’s no shock that you’ll feel it. And Abdur-Rahman says it could take five or six months for your body’s joints, ligaments, and tendons to recover from the effects of relaxin.
Now, after reading all of the above, you tell me mothers are not frikkin super hero's! The next time you see your mom, any mom actually, remember everything I've listed here.
Chances are she's "been there, done that".
Important note: I am not a qualified doctor, nor am I a professional in any of the topics discussed on this blog. The topics above are purely opinions based on my own real life experiences.
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