Finding me in motherhood

This post was written as raw and as real as it gets. On a not so great day, feeling pretty overwhelmed. I have been reflecting on how you are thrust into the role of Mommy, no training whatsoever. Maybe a little prenatal class to help you prep for the major things, but no one can truly prepare you for being a mom.

SELFLESS. That is the best word to describe it. It’s the MOST SELFLESS, MOST SACRIFICIAL job title you’ll ever ever have as a woman. With no leave days, no time for yourself and constantly having to put everyones needs before your own. Every little thing that you used to do for yourself becomes a second to whatever your child needs and wants. There is nothing you can do about it, it’s just part of the job.

This reality sank in for me around 2 months after Tayo was born. My life no longer belonged to me, it is now dedicated solely to this little human I was holding.

Motherhood can be extremely lonely. Thats the reality of why so many women struggle with postpartum depression/ anxiety. Your friends that don’t have kids won’t get it, as much as they may try. Your friends with kids are caught up with all the same struggles you are facing. So loneliness is a common trend and a very common thing to feel most days.

Being a mom is lonely!!! Even if you have your partner there with you, changing nappies, warming bottles, helping settle them when they wake up at 01:30. At the end of the day it all still falls on you, or at least thats how it feels. Because you are ‘Mamma’.

If you decide to stay in bed on that freezing cold morning to rest a bit more, or stay warm a bit longer, then breakfast runs late. If breakfast runs late your child gets hungry and then he becomes restless and irritable. If you decide to stay in bed for that extra 40mins then of the 2 hour (for example) awake window your child has, he will only get a short time for play before his first nap at 9am. The guilt of not giving your child the best every moment of every day gets you out of bed at 07:00 every morning so that you can give them the best day. Despite how drained you may be feeling physically and emotionally.

Dad has the option of staying in bed for that extra 40mins. Men don’t have to think like we do. They don’t experience the ‘mom-guilt’, which admittedly is often self inflicted. But only because we want to be the best & give the best to our children. We want them to turn around one day and say ‘my mom is the best mom ever’. That makes all the sacrifice worth it.

When having a chilled day just watching movies, although your child is playing so nicely by themselves, YOU (Mom) always have to be keeping a check on the time. Making sure your child goes to nap at the right time, making sure they are fed at the right time (BEFORE they get hungry). Figuring out why they are waking up multiple times at night comes down to you at the end of the day.

Now I know that patience is not my strong point. I easily get overwhelmed, always have since I was young. Anxiety was always knocking at my door when situations arose that I felt I had no control over. But I’m sure any mom reading this will be able to identify with this feeling of just being so overrun and not really having anyone around you who really understands. And the shitty thing is that men can’t help it. They can try their damnedest to pitch in and take some of the load off, but it all still comes down to you at the end of the day.

That’s the reality of being a mom.

Don’t even get me started on breastfeeding! How I wish God would have given both men and women milk glands!!! It’s just another thing that falls on you as Mommy. Its actually incredible how a lowered milk supply can make you feel utterly inadequate as a mother. Eventually you realise that its not any reflection on your ability as a mother and that your holds happiness is all that really matters. But you beat yourself up about it in the beginning.

My night routine used to include a shower before dinner. Eating dinner at the table with my family, then having a chat or watching some TV/series before I decided to go to bed. Night routine now starts at 17:00 getting Tayo’s food ready. Food which I’ve spent a day and a half previously cooking and blending and then sorting into ice trays to be frozen. 17:30 is dinner time for him. His hands and mouth must be wiped clean after that and I take his bottle out of the fridge so that it will be warm enough by the time he needs to drink it before bed. I then take him in one arm, run the bath and move the heater to the bathroom with the other. Make sure his toys, epsom salts and bath seat is in there. Arrange his medicine, boil the kettle so that the bottle can start warming up. Get his PJ’s ready in the room and make sure the heater in the room is on so he doesn’t freeze while I change him. Bath him at about 18:00. PJ’s on while moisturising him & remembering the cream for his rash. The whole time while he twists and turns trying to get off the change mat. Then go fetch his bottle, hoping that the hot to cold to hot environment doesn’t make him sick. Come back to the room and feed him while reading him a story. Say prayers, lights out and into bed he goes. At this point I pray he just falls asleep nicely.

MY WORK DOES NOT END HERE! If we are at Daddy Tayo’s house I am in charge of dinner. This is usually done by 8pm. Thereafter I need to pump for 15mins and wash bottles and said pump equipment. Then it goes into the microwave to be sterilised. The kitchen hasn’t been cleaned and I have not yet eaten the food I cooked. Only after than is done do I then get to shower (if I’m not too pooped) and get into bed.

Side note - Do me a favour and be careful when you say things like “But you’re just a SAHM (stay at home mom)” or “what are you tired from”. Thats only from 5pm onwards I’ve just detailed.

Motherhood is not all about the trials, obviously. But you often have bad days, and I just wish that people would understand how your bad days kind of end up being worse because you have much option to do what YOU want to do. There’s no option to veg on the couch all day binge watching series, because there is always something to be done when you are a mom.

Taken just after Tayo was born

I challenge you in the next week to:

1. Check in with 2 friends that have young kids. Ask them how they really are. Ask if you can help in any way and really follow through with that.

2. Help your mom in some significant way. Doing the grocery shopping for her or making her coffee for her every morning for a week.

3. Be mindful of the judgements you cast onto moms you see on social media.

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Important note: I am not a qualified doctor, nor am I a professional in any of the topics discussed on this blog. The topics above are purely opinions based on my own real life experiences.